Feelin weird

Went to the hospital yesterday, because of suicidal thoughts, cutting and such shit. Didn't get anything out of that crap. Except they changed the dressings for my leg (my own ones were dried on the wounds.. ouch).

I have a doctors appointment on thursday, and I sure hope we can get something done..

Should be going to the gym with my gf... But i'm really just not motivated right now. I just want to sit here, write and sleep...

Happyhappyhappy

Feelin good! Woke up, ate a soy yougurt (58kcal), updated my video blog and stuff... For some reason I just feel really calm and... neutral. Which is kinda rare for me... I took a double dose of my meds though, so that might be the reason.. :D I'm such a junkie. But I really don't think it's a problem since it's keeping me from doing ever more stupid things like cutting myself.. :) And finally we found pills that actually work! I'm so happy.

I just bought veggies, fruit, soy yougurt and porridge from the store. Walked straight through the candy shelf without even actually noticing it. I think I'm finally getting my self control back! Morning weight was 69,5 though... :( But I quess it's mostly waterweight... Metabolism isn't working properly... For a change. But yeah, it's ok. I can do this! I can become thin and beautiful! <3

I also cut my nails today, and it feels really weird to type with these things. xD I'm so used to having long nails... But they'll grow back pretty fast, and doing stuff is actually easier... I can pick my nose again without getting a nosebleed... xD

Here's a couple of thinspo pics:

(Gosh, I want her legs... <3<3<3)

Ugly girl

Fooling around with some makeup and my camera.. :D I love the first pic, kinda freaky. <3

Feeling better already

Ok, I feel a lot less suicidal and angsty after doodling a few tattoo designs and thinking about getting the snakebites as soon as I can. Little things sure can help a lot. I went for a walk, an spotted a tattoo/piercing place that I've heard good stuff about.. It's right next door, which is kinda awesome. :)

I think I'll eat a bit of soy youghurt, watch a few episodes of the Legend of the Seeker and so on... No use sleeping anymore, I'll just sleep the whole day tomorrow and be up all night again if I do that... So, I'll try to stay awake. The shitty thing is, I'm out of coffee so it might be a tad difficult.

I just realized that I write better and more clearly when I'm feeling good. :D Not a surprise, really, but it's really noticeable especially when I'm writing in english..

I wish it'd be light outside already, It'd be so much easier to stay awake.. But hey.. in Finland, in autumn.. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

...And goddamn she's cute. SWWWWEEET hair and tatts.. AND the piercings of course. *lovelovelove*

Somehow it feels almost more natural to write in english (although it's the stupid emo-teen-"english" I write in sometimes) nowadays. Can't swear properly in Finnish, and the words are too long to express my ultimate bitchy nagginess.

Shitshitshit
I feel fucking nervous and neurotic right now, I just don't know what to do with myself... *lost*
Should propably take some anti-psychotics but I just don't feel like it... plus risperidon might have some unwanted side-effects with my other meds... And I've already got an explosive diarrhea due to laxative abuse, so... I just don't want to add anything on top of that right now.

I just feel like I want to punch somebody in the face. Been feeling like this the whole week actually.

Rant.

I feel srsly crappy.
I'm a lonely, fat, poor and depressed insomniac.
Yeah, everything's gonna be fine.
Go fuck yourselves everybody.
I ain't gonna make it through Samhain...

Yea i'm a stupid fat emofag so stfu, ok?
Fuck, I'm so fuckin pissed. I rly need someone to talk to and sort of vent out my feelings somehow... I want to cut so bad. It's like the self-loathing has no end... :/

Fuck.

Therapy sucked, my parents suck... Everything sucks. I fucking hate this... :(
I simply hate people. I fucking hate everything and everyone right now.

So, I'll post some hot (emo) boys, that'll cheer me up for sure!

I just woke up, feeling kinda.. numb. :/ I should take my pills... And go to see my therapist, even though I don't really feel like moving anywhere from here. I just feel like sitting here and writing for the rest of the day.
But the problem is, I've got nothing to write. :D Which is kinda rare.

My stomach hurts like hell. Too much sugarfree stuff (damn you aspartam or whatever you are!)... :( Well, at least I don't feel like bingeing anymore... Actually I feel more like purging... Might help a bit with the stomach pain. Or make it worse and make my throat hurt too.
...Crap. Maybe it'd just be better to go to sleep and try to live more healthy tomorrow... I want some salad. I'm sick of all the fattening stuff mom's making me... Rice, bread, chicken, cheese soup... She puts cream in basically everything she does. And you can see its effect on her. -_-' Sadly my mother is my best reverse thinspo. Just... eww.

Ouch, ouch, ouch..

Ok, imma gonna go sleep nao.
Hopefully I'll get some money for the snakebites soon... I want em so baaaaddd...

I feel fat and worthless.
I want to cut so bad... Maybe I will. When mom's asleep...

Why is it that every time I get close to someone, they end up hurting me in a way or another?
My parents are awesome, but sometimes they don't even try to understand me... And that's my weak point. Being laughed at, not being taken seriously, being misunderstood... I hate it.
My best friends started bullying me in school when I was 14 with some other girls in our class... They just turned into mean bitches. I think I deserved it, though... But it still hurt.
My godfather used to sexually abuse me when i was younger... I trusted him, but not anymore. I still don't remember all the details of the abuse.
After all this, it is really hard for me to get close to anybody, and even harder to get to actually love somebody... But finally, two years ago, I fell in love. We were happy together. We smiled together. He was very supportive and kind... But then he got depressed. I had sorta leaned on him too much, dumped all my shit on him... We broke up.
This lead me into hating myself and others even more. I'm very afraid of being hurt, as well as I'm afraid that everything I touch, will break apart. I'm afraid of hurting others.

Sometimes I just hate my life and myself.
Sometimes I think I can't make it any further...
Sometimes I just want to give up.
 But I know I won't.
I'm too optimistic for that.
I've realized it after a few failed suicide attempts. I remember waking up in the hospital, almost passing out again as i tried to stand up... I felt my heart slowing down, almost stopping...
 I remember the fear rushing over me. Suddenly I didn't want to die... Survival instinct took over as I collapsed on the floor and woke up again the next morning. My heart almost failed and they had to keep me in the hospital for a while, but here I am.
And I've still got things worth fighting for.
 

I'm just so fuckin pissed off right now... :( My mom knows I don't like when she just randomly pops in my room and starts talking about some random shit. I mean... I'm not fuckin interested in talking. I'm not interested in people. So why the hell can't she stay away when I ask her to? Socializing always makes me feel awkward... even with my own mother. Maybe especially with her.
Yes, I am fucked up. I'm not proud of it but I try to live with it. I don't get why it's so hard to understand for some people...

I want snakebites.. NOW!!!

I fucking hate being broke. *rolls on the floor and curses being unemployed to hell*

Cut my wrists and black my eyes

I want to be skinny and pretty like her. :( I also like her hair ridiculously much.. I think I should dye mine as well... I'm still not sure about the colors though... Black and pink would be awesome. Or black and purple. Or blonde and aqua... Too many choices! D: Maybe I'll just go rainbow...

I went for an one hour walk a while back, and bought some diet energy drink from the store on my way back.. Still haven't eaten anything but one sugarfree dental drop... :D Well, now two. 8)

It's weird how I still have the urge to cut myself, although I feel completely fine and cheery... o.O It's sort of an addiction, a habit... It's really hard to let go of it. And i'm not even sure if I want to.

I was thinkin about weird stuff when I was walking home.
-If I was a boy, I'd want my name to be Benjamin.
-I'm way too critical about the ones I love. I always see theil faults and sometimes fail to see that they do what they do because of me... Like my mother making me eat... I quess she's just worried after all.
-I want to go totally emo again. I need a new wardrobe, I need to sell some of my old crappy clothes to make room for black skinny jeans and print t-shirts. 8)
-I still need to lose at least 10 kilograms
-I want some piercings! D:< Snakebites would be soooo awesome... too bad I don't have any money. And I don't have the guts to do it myself. :D
-I need to start writing more. :o And drawing. Since they're my favorite things to do! I don't get why I don't spend more time doing the things i LIKE.

Hi guys!

New here. Or actually not. But kinda new to writing in English. I've been writing pretty much in finnish, which is my native language... So forgive me if my english sucks really bad or smth...

I'm sorta emo-ish girl... I like art, cats and stuff  like that. I go to the gym and hang out with my friends. But I, too, have my problems. I broke up with my bf of 2 years last summer, and haven't really gotten over it... I've suffered of Borderline personality disorder (including self harm and eating disordered behaviour) for years... Which kinda sucks, really.

I live by myself at Hyvinkää, but my mum drops by quite often. She always makes me eat like a pig, but otherwise she's just great. :)

So, this is me in a nutshell.

I hope to someday be a fashion designer or an artist... Since visual arts is is the only thing I'm good at... I really don't think I can do anything else.