Feelin weird

Went to the hospital yesterday, because of suicidal thoughts, cutting and such shit. Didn't get anything out of that crap. Except they changed the dressings for my leg (my own ones were dried on the wounds.. ouch).

I have a doctors appointment on thursday, and I sure hope we can get something done..

Should be going to the gym with my gf... But i'm really just not motivated right now. I just want to sit here, write and sleep...

Happyhappyhappy

Feelin good! Woke up, ate a soy yougurt (58kcal), updated my video blog and stuff... For some reason I just feel really calm and... neutral. Which is kinda rare for me... I took a double dose of my meds though, so that might be the reason.. :D I'm such a junkie. But I really don't think it's a problem since it's keeping me from doing ever more stupid things like cutting myself.. :) And finally we found pills that actually work! I'm so happy.

I just bought veggies, fruit, soy yougurt and porridge from the store. Walked straight through the candy shelf without even actually noticing it. I think I'm finally getting my self control back! Morning weight was 69,5 though... :( But I quess it's mostly waterweight... Metabolism isn't working properly... For a change. But yeah, it's ok. I can do this! I can become thin and beautiful! <3

I also cut my nails today, and it feels really weird to type with these things. xD I'm so used to having long nails... But they'll grow back pretty fast, and doing stuff is actually easier... I can pick my nose again without getting a nosebleed... xD

Here's a couple of thinspo pics:

(Gosh, I want her legs... <3<3<3)

Ugly girl

Fooling around with some makeup and my camera.. :D I love the first pic, kinda freaky. <3

Feeling better already

Ok, I feel a lot less suicidal and angsty after doodling a few tattoo designs and thinking about getting the snakebites as soon as I can. Little things sure can help a lot. I went for a walk, an spotted a tattoo/piercing place that I've heard good stuff about.. It's right next door, which is kinda awesome. :)

I think I'll eat a bit of soy youghurt, watch a few episodes of the Legend of the Seeker and so on... No use sleeping anymore, I'll just sleep the whole day tomorrow and be up all night again if I do that... So, I'll try to stay awake. The shitty thing is, I'm out of coffee so it might be a tad difficult.

I just realized that I write better and more clearly when I'm feeling good. :D Not a surprise, really, but it's really noticeable especially when I'm writing in english..

I wish it'd be light outside already, It'd be so much easier to stay awake.. But hey.. in Finland, in autumn.. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

...And goddamn she's cute. SWWWWEEET hair and tatts.. AND the piercings of course. *lovelovelove*

Somehow it feels almost more natural to write in english (although it's the stupid emo-teen-"english" I write in sometimes) nowadays. Can't swear properly in Finnish, and the words are too long to express my ultimate bitchy nagginess.

Shitshitshit
I feel fucking nervous and neurotic right now, I just don't know what to do with myself... *lost*
Should propably take some anti-psychotics but I just don't feel like it... plus risperidon might have some unwanted side-effects with my other meds... And I've already got an explosive diarrhea due to laxative abuse, so... I just don't want to add anything on top of that right now.

I just feel like I want to punch somebody in the face. Been feeling like this the whole week actually.

Rant.

I feel srsly crappy.
I'm a lonely, fat, poor and depressed insomniac.
Yeah, everything's gonna be fine.
Go fuck yourselves everybody.
I ain't gonna make it through Samhain...

Yea i'm a stupid fat emofag so stfu, ok?
Fuck, I'm so fuckin pissed. I rly need someone to talk to and sort of vent out my feelings somehow... I want to cut so bad. It's like the self-loathing has no end... :/

Fuck.

Therapy sucked, my parents suck... Everything sucks. I fucking hate this... :(
I simply hate people. I fucking hate everything and everyone right now.

So, I'll post some hot (emo) boys, that'll cheer me up for sure!